Summer Things
Back porch, no shoes
open windows and radio music
long walks and longer shadows
cold ice coffee and old TV shows
t-shirts and concert tickets
bug bites and fireworks
new places and old friends
old places and new friends
road trips and audiobooks
photographs and lawn chairs
sunrise and twisted roads
bug spray and blisters
and summer things.
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Week 16: Super-Sized Serving of Sad
Well this is officially the latest I've ever been with my Sunday blog post. I've just had.....things to do. Things and ... stuff.
I moved back home Saturday, and since then, time has been moving in that weird way, distorted like your reflection in a fun house mirror. It feels like it's been ages since I saw my school friends, but at the same time it feels like just yesterday. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but missing those people and places and things this much has really taken me by surprise.
To be honest, I'm feeling pretty down about it.
But there is an odd feeling of relief about this sadness. It feels easy and okay. Something I can sink into and kinda relax in.
I spent so much of this year being stressed. Stressed about school, about friends and most of all stressed about being stressed. I was happy, but sometimes only because I couldn't afford to be unhappy, because I couldn't afford another thing to worry about. And now that those sources of anxiety are gone, I feel as though I have permission to just feel things. Permission to be sad.
Although nothing about this return home has been reminiscent of the summer vacations of years past (maybe because it still hasn't exceeded fifteen degrees here), there is something kinda pure about this feeling. As if I have traveled back in time to when missing my friends (who I will see in four months, if not sooner) was the most complicated thing in my life.
Of course, none of this stuff really makes me less sad. Missing some of the best friends I've ever had still really, really, really freaking sucks. But I guess it's kinda like having a side of okay with my super-sized serving of sad. It doesn't make the sad any less, it just makes it taste better.
Goodnight, bloglings
I moved back home Saturday, and since then, time has been moving in that weird way, distorted like your reflection in a fun house mirror. It feels like it's been ages since I saw my school friends, but at the same time it feels like just yesterday. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but missing those people and places and things this much has really taken me by surprise.
To be honest, I'm feeling pretty down about it.
But there is an odd feeling of relief about this sadness. It feels easy and okay. Something I can sink into and kinda relax in.
I spent so much of this year being stressed. Stressed about school, about friends and most of all stressed about being stressed. I was happy, but sometimes only because I couldn't afford to be unhappy, because I couldn't afford another thing to worry about. And now that those sources of anxiety are gone, I feel as though I have permission to just feel things. Permission to be sad.
Although nothing about this return home has been reminiscent of the summer vacations of years past (maybe because it still hasn't exceeded fifteen degrees here), there is something kinda pure about this feeling. As if I have traveled back in time to when missing my friends (who I will see in four months, if not sooner) was the most complicated thing in my life.
Of course, none of this stuff really makes me less sad. Missing some of the best friends I've ever had still really, really, really freaking sucks. But I guess it's kinda like having a side of okay with my super-sized serving of sad. It doesn't make the sad any less, it just makes it taste better.
Goodnight, bloglings
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Week 15: State of the Dorm Room
Welp. I just spent about an hour - on and off, the Catching Fire trailer did premiere at some point there - typing up a stress-fueled post about studying and exams and grades. And it made me feel a lot better, which I guess is sort of half the point of this blog. Or of writing at all, actually.
But re-reading it, I just felt extremely whiny and self-centered and not the kind of person I want to be. So we are starting fresh.
This is the last blog post that will be typed from my dorm room. I think almost every single post that is on this blog was typed here, on this bed, leaning up against the wall, at 11:40 on a Sunday night. When either the sheer awesomeness or the school-induced stress (let's be real, it was usually the second one) of my weekend threatened to tear me apart if I didn't write about it.
I have approximately six days left here. The first two of which will be spent studying. The next two, writing three (3) exams. And the final two, packing up the incredible amount of stuff this tiny room has accumulated, and shoving it into my parent's van.
(With probably a few too many re-watched episodes of The O.C. thrown in there as well).
If you are expecting an emotional look back at all of the great times, and amazing friendships, sorry. Although I'm sure that will come, if I've learned anything about myself this year is that I never process things properly until after the fact.
So, maybe that will be next Sunday. For now, I'm going to try and worry less about exams, study more for exams, organize my stuff. And oh yeah, actually do well on my exams.
I know the last few days anywhere usually fly by, but it's starting to feel like I have a long week ahead of me.
Goodnight, bloglings
But re-reading it, I just felt extremely whiny and self-centered and not the kind of person I want to be. So we are starting fresh.
This is the last blog post that will be typed from my dorm room. I think almost every single post that is on this blog was typed here, on this bed, leaning up against the wall, at 11:40 on a Sunday night. When either the sheer awesomeness or the school-induced stress (let's be real, it was usually the second one) of my weekend threatened to tear me apart if I didn't write about it.
I have approximately six days left here. The first two of which will be spent studying. The next two, writing three (3) exams. And the final two, packing up the incredible amount of stuff this tiny room has accumulated, and shoving it into my parent's van.
(With probably a few too many re-watched episodes of The O.C. thrown in there as well).
If you are expecting an emotional look back at all of the great times, and amazing friendships, sorry. Although I'm sure that will come, if I've learned anything about myself this year is that I never process things properly until after the fact.
So, maybe that will be next Sunday. For now, I'm going to try and worry less about exams, study more for exams, organize my stuff. And oh yeah, actually do well on my exams.
I know the last few days anywhere usually fly by, but it's starting to feel like I have a long week ahead of me.
Goodnight, bloglings
Monday, 8 April 2013
Week 14: Living the Dream
Like the average university student, I have a sixth sense that helps me anticipate when people are going to ask this question, and I usually find myself trying to answer before they even open their mouths. The answer is always, has always been: "I don't know". The question, of course, is the classic, the unchanging, the unbelievably frustrating: "So, what do you want to do after university?".
I suppose, since this question will never, ever stop being asked of me, and I am not getting any closer to having an answer, I should just accept it. Every other student gets nagged about this by their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbours, mail-carriers and what have you, so it's as much a part of the college experience as finding yourself making ramen at 1am. And most people don't have a good answer either, or at least not one that will satisfy whichever nosy adult is inquiring this time.
So why does this bother me so much?
As you probably know if you are reading this, I've spent the past few years surrounding myself with a very amazing, very unique, community. The bloggers, vloggers, fan-artists, YouTube musicians, and all-around awesome people who have built up these fandom communities have been inspiration, role-models and friends to me. I would not change this part of my life for anything.
But being surrounded by a higher-than-normal proportion of wonderfully creative people has its downsides. As we all grow up, I am increasingly aware that the world of fandom and community - of YouTube and tumblr and blogspot - is beginning to merge with the Real World. People who started vlogging about Harry Potter in their bedrooms are starting, or aiming towards, careers in online video or publishing. Fans who began by writing Doctor Who fanfiction are working towards their first novels or going to school for TV Production. Even outside fandoms, I have countless friends who are extremely dedicated to something, like music or photography or ballet dancing, and, at the age of 18 or 19, are already working towards it.
These people are all actively pursuing a dream - a dream to spend their lives (or a good portion of them) doing something they love. But it's more than something they love. All of these people have a passion. Something that drives them to do what they do, or to work towards it, despite common sense telling them that their chance of making it by doing something creative is pretty slim. (Although, to be fair, the internet has greatly increased those chances)
If you asked these people that classic question, I'm sure they'd have a pretty good answer.
My point, I think, is that in the world of Confused and Anxious Uni Students, nobody really has a dream - we are all just in the waiting room, killing time until the door opens and our name is called.
But in the world of Nerdy and Creative Internet Types (many of whom are also students, I might add), it seems as though everybody has by-passed the waiting room, has somehow wormed their way onto a secret list that allows them to go straight through that door, and begin pursuing that dream.
And me? I'm trying to figure out what my dream is - or if I really even need one.
Goodnight, bloglings
I suppose, since this question will never, ever stop being asked of me, and I am not getting any closer to having an answer, I should just accept it. Every other student gets nagged about this by their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbours, mail-carriers and what have you, so it's as much a part of the college experience as finding yourself making ramen at 1am. And most people don't have a good answer either, or at least not one that will satisfy whichever nosy adult is inquiring this time.
So why does this bother me so much?
As you probably know if you are reading this, I've spent the past few years surrounding myself with a very amazing, very unique, community. The bloggers, vloggers, fan-artists, YouTube musicians, and all-around awesome people who have built up these fandom communities have been inspiration, role-models and friends to me. I would not change this part of my life for anything.
But being surrounded by a higher-than-normal proportion of wonderfully creative people has its downsides. As we all grow up, I am increasingly aware that the world of fandom and community - of YouTube and tumblr and blogspot - is beginning to merge with the Real World. People who started vlogging about Harry Potter in their bedrooms are starting, or aiming towards, careers in online video or publishing. Fans who began by writing Doctor Who fanfiction are working towards their first novels or going to school for TV Production. Even outside fandoms, I have countless friends who are extremely dedicated to something, like music or photography or ballet dancing, and, at the age of 18 or 19, are already working towards it.
These people are all actively pursuing a dream - a dream to spend their lives (or a good portion of them) doing something they love. But it's more than something they love. All of these people have a passion. Something that drives them to do what they do, or to work towards it, despite common sense telling them that their chance of making it by doing something creative is pretty slim. (Although, to be fair, the internet has greatly increased those chances)
If you asked these people that classic question, I'm sure they'd have a pretty good answer.
My point, I think, is that in the world of Confused and Anxious Uni Students, nobody really has a dream - we are all just in the waiting room, killing time until the door opens and our name is called.
But in the world of Nerdy and Creative Internet Types (many of whom are also students, I might add), it seems as though everybody has by-passed the waiting room, has somehow wormed their way onto a secret list that allows them to go straight through that door, and begin pursuing that dream.
And me? I'm trying to figure out what my dream is - or if I really even need one.
Goodnight, bloglings
Monday, 1 April 2013
Week 13: April Fools and Internet News
I've never really been all that into April Fools. April 1st is also my sister's birthday, so growing up that always took precedence. I'm not really one for planning elaborate pranks, and I really dislike being scared or startled. So overall, nothing to get excited about, but I appreciate other people's love for it.
Not to over-analyze this silly day, but in the last few years I think there has been a major shift in the way we prank people on April Fools. It's no longer about switching the salt and the sugar. As a function of the increasing involvement of the internet in every aspect of our lives, most pranks now take the form of fake announcements, in videos or news stories. Typically the announcement is something funny, unexpected, or too good to be true. There always seems to be a few people who fall for the hoax, while most just groan and move on, or share it in an attempt to trick their friends.
Maybe I am just far more involved in the internet than I was at this time last year, but April Fools seemed to be a really big deal this time around. It seems like every website had something up their sleeve, and many internet personalities did as well.
While I'm 100% for things that put a smile on people's faces, I found myself kind of bothered by what April Fools does to the internet. When browsing any of my normal sites on April 1st, there is hardly a single fact or announcement that I can take seriously. Even if all evidence points to it being true, I find myself unable to accept it until the appropriate time to reveal the potential joke has come and gone. And until I know for sure, I'm going to worry.
I'm not really sure why this causes me so much anxiety, especially when it's about very trivial things. I'd like to think I have enough critical thinking skills to not blindly swallow everything I read on internet the other 364 days of the year. And yet on April 1st, I feel an undeniable sense of betrayal.
Maybe this is to do with the Straight-A Complex I seem to have developed. That is what I'm calling the stress that is triggered when someone who grew up knowing all the answers, and being expected to know all the answers, reaches early adulthood and suddenly....doesn't know the answers anymore.
Not being able to quickly discern fact from fiction feels like a intellectual failure to my school-wired brain. And when you are raised with the belief that your academic success determines your self-worth, a failure like that makes you quite upset.
So I guess that's what it is?
This theory may or may not have any truth to it, but somehow piecing together this explanation has made me feel a lot better. At least now it is officially April 2nd, so hopefully, my anxiety can take it down a notch.
Goodnight, bloglings
Not to over-analyze this silly day, but in the last few years I think there has been a major shift in the way we prank people on April Fools. It's no longer about switching the salt and the sugar. As a function of the increasing involvement of the internet in every aspect of our lives, most pranks now take the form of fake announcements, in videos or news stories. Typically the announcement is something funny, unexpected, or too good to be true. There always seems to be a few people who fall for the hoax, while most just groan and move on, or share it in an attempt to trick their friends.
Maybe I am just far more involved in the internet than I was at this time last year, but April Fools seemed to be a really big deal this time around. It seems like every website had something up their sleeve, and many internet personalities did as well.
While I'm 100% for things that put a smile on people's faces, I found myself kind of bothered by what April Fools does to the internet. When browsing any of my normal sites on April 1st, there is hardly a single fact or announcement that I can take seriously. Even if all evidence points to it being true, I find myself unable to accept it until the appropriate time to reveal the potential joke has come and gone. And until I know for sure, I'm going to worry.
I'm not really sure why this causes me so much anxiety, especially when it's about very trivial things. I'd like to think I have enough critical thinking skills to not blindly swallow everything I read on internet the other 364 days of the year. And yet on April 1st, I feel an undeniable sense of betrayal.
Maybe this is to do with the Straight-A Complex I seem to have developed. That is what I'm calling the stress that is triggered when someone who grew up knowing all the answers, and being expected to know all the answers, reaches early adulthood and suddenly....doesn't know the answers anymore.
Not being able to quickly discern fact from fiction feels like a intellectual failure to my school-wired brain. And when you are raised with the belief that your academic success determines your self-worth, a failure like that makes you quite upset.
So I guess that's what it is?
This theory may or may not have any truth to it, but somehow piecing together this explanation has made me feel a lot better. At least now it is officially April 2nd, so hopefully, my anxiety can take it down a notch.
Goodnight, bloglings
Monday, 25 March 2013
Week 12: Just the Beginning
Here I am, in the second-to-last week of classes of my first year of university. In about 24 days, I will be done exams and packing up to go home. It's been a crazy few months, and I'm so glad I've documented so much of it on this blog. But this past weekend, one thing in particular came to an end - if you can call it that.
My quidditch team went to our final tournament of the season on Saturday, and the only way I can describe that day is surreal. Having put in a ton of training over the last month, we obviously wanted to do well, but I don't think we really expected to do this well. We won our first three games, some more easily than others, but what really stood out was how cohesive we have become as a team.
In September, a lot of us met for the very first time, and we have been gaining players all year, right up until two weeks before the tournament. But regardless of how long we've been playing, something has knit us together, and created this crazy bond. Of course our skills have improved too, and that was a huge part of our success. But without the determination and drive that comes from loving your team and loving the sport, the drills and workouts would not have gotten us this far.
Quidditch was my first team sport, and I now can honestly say that playing as a team is completely different from playing as yourself. Being on a team means that you put the whole ahead of your individual part. You do your best, but not for you - you do it for everyone. Every once in a while you feel as though you are letting them down, but more often you are building them up, making some small contribution to something so much bigger. And it works both ways - they build you up too.
In the finals on Saturday, although we played our very hardest, and we played together, it just wasn't enough. But I have never seen a team in better spirits after a loss. I think we all realized that we had finally hit our stride that day, and the disappointment was overshadowed by an excitement for what is to come. We will all be back next year, even more determined, and there is so much more for us to do.
So although a lot is ending soon, and I am going to miss some things about first year, this end in particular is more of a beginning.
Goodnight, bloglings
My quidditch team went to our final tournament of the season on Saturday, and the only way I can describe that day is surreal. Having put in a ton of training over the last month, we obviously wanted to do well, but I don't think we really expected to do this well. We won our first three games, some more easily than others, but what really stood out was how cohesive we have become as a team.
In September, a lot of us met for the very first time, and we have been gaining players all year, right up until two weeks before the tournament. But regardless of how long we've been playing, something has knit us together, and created this crazy bond. Of course our skills have improved too, and that was a huge part of our success. But without the determination and drive that comes from loving your team and loving the sport, the drills and workouts would not have gotten us this far.
Quidditch was my first team sport, and I now can honestly say that playing as a team is completely different from playing as yourself. Being on a team means that you put the whole ahead of your individual part. You do your best, but not for you - you do it for everyone. Every once in a while you feel as though you are letting them down, but more often you are building them up, making some small contribution to something so much bigger. And it works both ways - they build you up too.
In the finals on Saturday, although we played our very hardest, and we played together, it just wasn't enough. But I have never seen a team in better spirits after a loss. I think we all realized that we had finally hit our stride that day, and the disappointment was overshadowed by an excitement for what is to come. We will all be back next year, even more determined, and there is so much more for us to do.
So although a lot is ending soon, and I am going to miss some things about first year, this end in particular is more of a beginning.
Goodnight, bloglings
Monday, 18 March 2013
Week 11: Of Productivity and Procrastination
As I write this, the clock is ticking perilously close to midnight, and Tuesday, taking me past my personal deadline of Monday - to get my Sunday blog post up.
Anyone who has a tumblr and 24/7 access to WiFi knows the dangers of procrastination, and how time just seems to slip away when you are avoiding some unpleasant task. The past few months this has become an even bigger problem for me, although I'm not totally sure why.
I can blame it on the weather, my course-load, my anxiety about grades, or simply that the novelty of university is wearing off, but lately I have found it pretty much impossible to start any project or task (including posts on this blog) before the last possible second. The frustrating bit is that somehow, I almost always manage to get the thing done in time. I'm not sure if I have some strange sixth sense that knows just how long something will take to complete, or if I just sacrifice quality in order to get it done before the deadline.
Either way, despite the fact that I haven't missed the deadline on anything major, I'm starting to get frustrated with myself. The cycle of un-productiveness followed by a brief flash of very high stress is not something I can sustain for very long, and it's getting close to the end of an entire school year of this crap.
I'm sure I'll never be completely cured of this, but recently (as in, like, today) I've been getting better. And although it's a total cliché, getting things done and being productive really does feel better than endlessly scrolling down your dashboard. It's a feeling akin to the endorphins you get after a really good run (Or so I assume. I'm not really the running-not-to-catch-a-bus kind of person).
So I know this post was late, unpolished, and not really about anything in particular, but I just wanted to share with you that I felt pretty productive tonight (yes, despite the fact that my Sunday post won't be up til Tuesday) and it made me happy.
That's all.
Goodnight, bloglings
Anyone who has a tumblr and 24/7 access to WiFi knows the dangers of procrastination, and how time just seems to slip away when you are avoiding some unpleasant task. The past few months this has become an even bigger problem for me, although I'm not totally sure why.
I can blame it on the weather, my course-load, my anxiety about grades, or simply that the novelty of university is wearing off, but lately I have found it pretty much impossible to start any project or task (including posts on this blog) before the last possible second. The frustrating bit is that somehow, I almost always manage to get the thing done in time. I'm not sure if I have some strange sixth sense that knows just how long something will take to complete, or if I just sacrifice quality in order to get it done before the deadline.
Either way, despite the fact that I haven't missed the deadline on anything major, I'm starting to get frustrated with myself. The cycle of un-productiveness followed by a brief flash of very high stress is not something I can sustain for very long, and it's getting close to the end of an entire school year of this crap.
I'm sure I'll never be completely cured of this, but recently (as in, like, today) I've been getting better. And although it's a total cliché, getting things done and being productive really does feel better than endlessly scrolling down your dashboard. It's a feeling akin to the endorphins you get after a really good run (Or so I assume. I'm not really the running-not-to-catch-a-bus kind of person).
So I know this post was late, unpolished, and not really about anything in particular, but I just wanted to share with you that I felt pretty productive tonight (yes, despite the fact that my Sunday post won't be up til Tuesday) and it made me happy.
That's all.
Goodnight, bloglings
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