Hey gang. So after a week that included midterms, a stomach virus, postponed midterms, frozen planes and delayed flights, I am finally on vacation. And just in time too, because I'm pretty sure a few more days of stress like that would have actually triggered some sort of breakdown.
You know how there are certain feelings that you wait for, and know exactly how they will feel, and when they finally happen you just want to sit still for a moment and block out the world? Because even though it has happened before and will happen again, each time seems, for an instant, like the most special thing that will ever happen to you.
These feelings include:
- finally submitting that essay that has been plaguing you for weeks
- standing outside at night, watching the snow fall in big soft flakes from the sky
- the ache in your stomach from laughing until you almost run out of oxygen
-stretching out in bed on a Sunday morning, knowing you don't have to get up anytime soon
-getting slobbery puppy kisses after months of pet-deprivation
-the delay between making eye contact across a room with someone you've been missing, and the moment you finally get to hug them
...among other things.
I sometimes try and freeze these moments in my mind, take an emotion-picture, if you will, so that I can remember them in crisp detail when things aren't going so well. Of course, this never really works. And until science perfects the downloading of our minds into computer chips (or the digital pensieve, as I like to call it), we will just have to be content with knowing. Because knowing that these moments exist is what keeps us going - it's what gets us from the darkest times all the way to the light.
And that means that even though things are often far, far, from ok, as long as we know that ok is out there, we can keep on going.
I hope that anyone else who is not-ok remembers that there are puppy kisses out there - you just have to hang in there.
Goodnight, bloglings
Monday, 18 February 2013
Monday, 11 February 2013
Week 6: Midterms and Losing my Sanity
So if you are also of the post-secondary education persuasion, you will be familiar with the special time of year that is now upon us. It's been just long enough to settle back into the routine of school and start to figure out new classes, and KA-BLAM, it's time for a few solid weeks of torture.
The thing about midterms is that it isn't even really a few solid weeks. They started happening the last week of January and can go on until the second week of March. But for me, these next five days before the break are crunch time.
Which is why this week's post is going to be short, just a quick chronicle of my descent into midterm madness.
The last week or so I've been able to feel my body slowly break down because of the stress. Hardly enough sleep due to studying, and half the time I'm kept awake with mini-panic attacks anyways. No time to grocery shop, so I can't remember the last time I saw any fresh fruit. And to top it off, everyone around me is sick, so it's just a matter of time before I succumb to that as well.
Reading week really can't come soon enough. But until it does, I have studying, reading, essay-writing, diagram-building, grammar-checking and note-taking to do.
I guess there really isn't anything else I can do but Gryffindor the fuck up, and get through this madness. And hey, if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger, right?
To be honest, I think I'd settle for it just not killing me.
Goodnight, bloglings
The thing about midterms is that it isn't even really a few solid weeks. They started happening the last week of January and can go on until the second week of March. But for me, these next five days before the break are crunch time.
Which is why this week's post is going to be short, just a quick chronicle of my descent into midterm madness.
The last week or so I've been able to feel my body slowly break down because of the stress. Hardly enough sleep due to studying, and half the time I'm kept awake with mini-panic attacks anyways. No time to grocery shop, so I can't remember the last time I saw any fresh fruit. And to top it off, everyone around me is sick, so it's just a matter of time before I succumb to that as well.
Reading week really can't come soon enough. But until it does, I have studying, reading, essay-writing, diagram-building, grammar-checking and note-taking to do.
I guess there really isn't anything else I can do but Gryffindor the fuck up, and get through this madness. And hey, if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger, right?
To be honest, I think I'd settle for it just not killing me.
Goodnight, bloglings
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Week 5: My Best Friend
Just a forewarning: this post is going to get sappy.
My first month of high school, I met someone who changed my life. Over the next four years, we would spent nearly every weekend and all summer holidays together. Through the highs and the lows, the twists and the turns, she was my constant.
She helped me figure out so much about myself. What I was good at, what I was afraid of, and what I needed to do to face those fears. She encouraged me to push myself, but always let me know whenever I took anything too far.
She made me feel strong, and held me up when I was weak. She taught me how important it is to fight for the things you believe in, the things you love.
We are both headstrong, independent and chronically lazy. We've certainly had our fair share of disagreements, but I think what we have is strong enough to weather anything. Sometimes we do stupid things, things we probably shouldn't. People call us crazy, but we sure do have some amazing memories to show for it.
The summer after graduation, I spent as much time with her as possible. It didn't matter if we weren't actually doing anything - just hanging out was enough. Goofing off, pulling silly stunts, and enjoying the sunshine and the seemingly endless days.
When September came, it was time to say goodbye. The sadness was mingled with nerves, an eagerness to see what was over the next rise. This time though, we wouldn't be racing towards it together.
Away at school, new friends and new experiences flooded my mind, but nothing could stop me from missing her. Nothing can, even now. Sometimes it overwhelms me, how much I wish I could see her, spend even a few minutes just being close to her.
It's a cliché, but it really does feel like a part of me is missing. Or at least, a part of my heart. I have this spot, this part of my chest that just feels...empty. An aching empty, one that strains and pulls, trying to make its way back to its missing piece. Of course I get to see her over the holidays, but until then, I remain incomplete. A puzzle missing that last chunk of sky.
The thing is, though, that none of this, none of it, can change the fact that four years ago, I met someone who changed my life. Despite the sadness, the emptiness, the missing-ness, despite all of that - I am so glad I did.
If we had never crossed paths, I don't know who I would be - but I wouldn't be as strong, as brave, as confident, as crazy as I am today.
Goodnight, bloglings
My first month of high school, I met someone who changed my life. Over the next four years, we would spent nearly every weekend and all summer holidays together. Through the highs and the lows, the twists and the turns, she was my constant.
She helped me figure out so much about myself. What I was good at, what I was afraid of, and what I needed to do to face those fears. She encouraged me to push myself, but always let me know whenever I took anything too far.
She made me feel strong, and held me up when I was weak. She taught me how important it is to fight for the things you believe in, the things you love.
We are both headstrong, independent and chronically lazy. We've certainly had our fair share of disagreements, but I think what we have is strong enough to weather anything. Sometimes we do stupid things, things we probably shouldn't. People call us crazy, but we sure do have some amazing memories to show for it.
The summer after graduation, I spent as much time with her as possible. It didn't matter if we weren't actually doing anything - just hanging out was enough. Goofing off, pulling silly stunts, and enjoying the sunshine and the seemingly endless days.
When September came, it was time to say goodbye. The sadness was mingled with nerves, an eagerness to see what was over the next rise. This time though, we wouldn't be racing towards it together.
Away at school, new friends and new experiences flooded my mind, but nothing could stop me from missing her. Nothing can, even now. Sometimes it overwhelms me, how much I wish I could see her, spend even a few minutes just being close to her.
It's a cliché, but it really does feel like a part of me is missing. Or at least, a part of my heart. I have this spot, this part of my chest that just feels...empty. An aching empty, one that strains and pulls, trying to make its way back to its missing piece. Of course I get to see her over the holidays, but until then, I remain incomplete. A puzzle missing that last chunk of sky.
The thing is, though, that none of this, none of it, can change the fact that four years ago, I met someone who changed my life. Despite the sadness, the emptiness, the missing-ness, despite all of that - I am so glad I did.
If we had never crossed paths, I don't know who I would be - but I wouldn't be as strong, as brave, as confident, as crazy as I am today.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Week 4: On Equality
So for those of you outside of Ontario, Canada, a quick update:
Last night, the Ontario Liberal Party, which is currently in power in the Provincial Legislature, elected a new leader, who by default will become the premier (basically like a governor) of Ontario.
The candidate they elected will not only be the first female premier of Ontario, but the first openly gay premier in Canada. Five other provinces also have female premiers, and women now govern, at the provincial level, 80% of the population of the country.
Politics and policy aside, I wanted to take a minute and talk about how freaking awesome this is. While following the election last night on Twitter, I heard a lot of opinions on this. One frequent argument I heard was that we should not even be noticing, or discussing, the gender or sexual orientation of a politician. While most of these arguments stem from good intentions - that a person's gender or sexual orientation have no bearing on how well they will do their job - I feel the need to disagree with them.
Of course gender and sexuality have nothing to do with how well a leader will govern, or how qualified they are for the position. And although this may seem obvious today, we cannot take this belief for granted, because it was not too long ago that a woman would never have been elected premier, let alone an openly LGBTQ person. That most of Ontario has realized this by now is something we should be extremely proud of.
BUT, this does not mean that we should not notice or mention the fact that our premier is a woman and is gay. In an ideal world, maybe we wouldn't need to - but our world is far from ideal. The fact is, women and LGBTQ people the world over receive far, far less representation in government than they should have. Shouldn't the tiny group of people leading a nation represent an accurate cross-section of the large group of people they are leading? Shouldn't children, of all genders and sexual orientations, be able to look at the people in charge of their province, their country and see themselves - and know they can do absolutely anything they set their minds to? Shouldn't women and LGBTQ people feel that they have a voice, that their leaders share their unique experience, just as they share the experience of being Ontarian, or Canadian?
So no, I don't think the gender or sexual orientation of our new premier has any bearing on her qualifications or how well she will lead our province.
But yes, I do think we need to notice it. We need to talk about it, we need to discuss it with our children, we need to be proud of our province for electing such a person.
And we need to celebrate it, because this is an amazing step in the right direction, the direction of equality.
Before you go, allow me to point you in one more direction - towards a new online magazine I will be writing for. Let's Talk Nerd Culture is created by young nerdfighters, and will cover a wide variety of topics - I will be writing about your favourite TV shows and their fandoms. Our first issue comes out February 1st, and if you don't want to miss it, please follow us on tumblr at http://letstalknerdculture.tumblr.com
We are all very proud of this, and excited to share it with the internets.
Thanks, and have a great day, bloglings
Last night, the Ontario Liberal Party, which is currently in power in the Provincial Legislature, elected a new leader, who by default will become the premier (basically like a governor) of Ontario.
The candidate they elected will not only be the first female premier of Ontario, but the first openly gay premier in Canada. Five other provinces also have female premiers, and women now govern, at the provincial level, 80% of the population of the country.
Politics and policy aside, I wanted to take a minute and talk about how freaking awesome this is. While following the election last night on Twitter, I heard a lot of opinions on this. One frequent argument I heard was that we should not even be noticing, or discussing, the gender or sexual orientation of a politician. While most of these arguments stem from good intentions - that a person's gender or sexual orientation have no bearing on how well they will do their job - I feel the need to disagree with them.
Of course gender and sexuality have nothing to do with how well a leader will govern, or how qualified they are for the position. And although this may seem obvious today, we cannot take this belief for granted, because it was not too long ago that a woman would never have been elected premier, let alone an openly LGBTQ person. That most of Ontario has realized this by now is something we should be extremely proud of.
BUT, this does not mean that we should not notice or mention the fact that our premier is a woman and is gay. In an ideal world, maybe we wouldn't need to - but our world is far from ideal. The fact is, women and LGBTQ people the world over receive far, far less representation in government than they should have. Shouldn't the tiny group of people leading a nation represent an accurate cross-section of the large group of people they are leading? Shouldn't children, of all genders and sexual orientations, be able to look at the people in charge of their province, their country and see themselves - and know they can do absolutely anything they set their minds to? Shouldn't women and LGBTQ people feel that they have a voice, that their leaders share their unique experience, just as they share the experience of being Ontarian, or Canadian?
So no, I don't think the gender or sexual orientation of our new premier has any bearing on her qualifications or how well she will lead our province.
But yes, I do think we need to notice it. We need to talk about it, we need to discuss it with our children, we need to be proud of our province for electing such a person.
And we need to celebrate it, because this is an amazing step in the right direction, the direction of equality.
Before you go, allow me to point you in one more direction - towards a new online magazine I will be writing for. Let's Talk Nerd Culture is created by young nerdfighters, and will cover a wide variety of topics - I will be writing about your favourite TV shows and their fandoms. Our first issue comes out February 1st, and if you don't want to miss it, please follow us on tumblr at http://letstalknerdculture.tumblr.com
We are all very proud of this, and excited to share it with the internets.
Thanks, and have a great day, bloglings
Sunday, 20 January 2013
Week 3: To Have a Home
When we last spoke, I was in the midst of house hunting, and it was not going well.
I think an update on this front is definitely in order. As of a few hours ago, we - my 5 friends and I - have signed a lease on a gorgeous house for next year, that we are all completely in love with. It is unbelievably relieving to have this settled, and it makes for one less thing to worry about, as school work has really started to get intense.
In choosing a house, in addition to all the normal questions and must-haves, I found myself taking into account the "feel" of each one, much more than I thought I would. When you grow up in a house, the feel isn't something you notice - it feels like home because it is. But now that I'm on my own, I get to define what home is, what home feels like. And although this will be my first bricks-and-mortar house, I've had plenty of different homes in the past few years, so I'd like to think I know a thing or two.
One of my first homes was Harry Potter. The world of the young wizard, whisked from his closet bedroom to a world of wonder and magic, has always been a comfort and an escape for me. But it wasn't until a few years ago, when I stumbled upon wizard rock, that I truly felt at home. The amazing community surrounding these books has given me love, support, friends, adventures and memories - everything a home should.
Another home for me has been the nerdfighter community. Sometimes I'm still in awe of the awesomeness that is this group - I literally have to remind myself that this rabbit hole I fell into is, in fact, real. The acceptance that I have felt among nerdfighters is unbelievable. While watching the Vlogbrother's show at Carnegie Hall (via livestream), I experienced two different aspects of this community. I shared jokes, songs, happiness, tears, and most of all, inspiration, with thousands of nerdfighters around the world, and it was awesome. But I also got to hang out with some IRL friends - who I would absolutely not have met if it wasn't for nerdfighteria. They are nerdfighters, but I just consider them great friends, and I think that is an amazing thing about this community. In both ways, nerdfighteria has been an excellent home for me.
And for many, many years now, I have had another home, one where you are more likely to find four-legged friends than two-legged ones. Sometimes, spending time with horses is all I need to get over a bad day, or a bad week - they will always listen, and never judge. The barn has been an escape, it has sheltered and protected me, but it has also taught me things. To communicate clearly. To set and achieve goals. To work hard, even when it looks like you are getting nowhere. And, most importantly, to never look down.
I hope that our new home will be all of these things - shelter, support, friendship and important lessons. And no matter how excited I am about the hardwood floors or the new cabinets, I'll remind myself that it isn't the house that's important, it's the home - and it's really only a home when we make it one.
Goodnight, bloglings
I think an update on this front is definitely in order. As of a few hours ago, we - my 5 friends and I - have signed a lease on a gorgeous house for next year, that we are all completely in love with. It is unbelievably relieving to have this settled, and it makes for one less thing to worry about, as school work has really started to get intense.
In choosing a house, in addition to all the normal questions and must-haves, I found myself taking into account the "feel" of each one, much more than I thought I would. When you grow up in a house, the feel isn't something you notice - it feels like home because it is. But now that I'm on my own, I get to define what home is, what home feels like. And although this will be my first bricks-and-mortar house, I've had plenty of different homes in the past few years, so I'd like to think I know a thing or two.
One of my first homes was Harry Potter. The world of the young wizard, whisked from his closet bedroom to a world of wonder and magic, has always been a comfort and an escape for me. But it wasn't until a few years ago, when I stumbled upon wizard rock, that I truly felt at home. The amazing community surrounding these books has given me love, support, friends, adventures and memories - everything a home should.
Another home for me has been the nerdfighter community. Sometimes I'm still in awe of the awesomeness that is this group - I literally have to remind myself that this rabbit hole I fell into is, in fact, real. The acceptance that I have felt among nerdfighters is unbelievable. While watching the Vlogbrother's show at Carnegie Hall (via livestream), I experienced two different aspects of this community. I shared jokes, songs, happiness, tears, and most of all, inspiration, with thousands of nerdfighters around the world, and it was awesome. But I also got to hang out with some IRL friends - who I would absolutely not have met if it wasn't for nerdfighteria. They are nerdfighters, but I just consider them great friends, and I think that is an amazing thing about this community. In both ways, nerdfighteria has been an excellent home for me.
And for many, many years now, I have had another home, one where you are more likely to find four-legged friends than two-legged ones. Sometimes, spending time with horses is all I need to get over a bad day, or a bad week - they will always listen, and never judge. The barn has been an escape, it has sheltered and protected me, but it has also taught me things. To communicate clearly. To set and achieve goals. To work hard, even when it looks like you are getting nowhere. And, most importantly, to never look down.
I hope that our new home will be all of these things - shelter, support, friendship and important lessons. And no matter how excited I am about the hardwood floors or the new cabinets, I'll remind myself that it isn't the house that's important, it's the home - and it's really only a home when we make it one.
Goodnight, bloglings
Monday, 14 January 2013
Week 2: So I Guess This is a Thing Now
To be honest, when I started this project, I really didn't think the hardest part would be, uh, remembering that it exists. But somewhere between starting new classes, buying textbooks, and dealing with the ever-growing pressure to find housing for next year, it completely slipped my mind.
So here I am, on a it's-not-even-technically-Monday-anymore night, blogging my little heart out.
If you know me at all, which I'm assuming you do, you know that I'm in first year university right now. And as the thrill of completing my very first semester subsides, new stresses settle in, cozying up in my mind against the chilly January winds like little rodents nesting in walls.
First and foremost is finding a place to live. Most students, at least around here, leave residence after first year and stretch their wings, ganging up and going in together on 4 or 5 or 6 bedroom rental houses near campus. This should be a fun, exciting and adventurous sort of time, right? Well, it would be, if it wasn't for the cut-throat, fast-moving, need-to-sign-on-the-spot way the housing market moves here. Good houses are claimed within days of being advertised, and trying to juggle looking at ads, viewing houses, and regular schoolwork is proving to be immensely stressful. The older students caution us that all the good houses will be gone by the end of January, and it all feels like way too much.
I know this sort of thing is to be expected. Venturing out into the adult world is not something anyone has ever called easy. And I know this is only a small step on the path to living in the Actual Real World. But making these kind of decisions, managing money, signing leases - still super scary!
These feelings are not helped by the decision my parents made to spend the rest of the winter in a locale far more tropical than Ontario. Sure, I'm at school anyways, so it shouldn't matter if they're out of the country, but it turns out it's a whole lot easier to miss home when home is, well, home.
Not being able to text or call them whenever I need to has really made me realize how much I rely on them. Not to take a detour into Sappyville or anything.
It makes for a funny mix: excitement and apprehension about living "on my own", finally leaving home, intertwined with the feeling that home isn't always going to be home. That the life, the place the people you leave behind do not sit there while you are gone, frozen like kids playing freeze-tag, ready to immediately start running again when that magic person returns, skidding across the gym floor to free them.
In a few months, my friends and I will have a house. True, it will be rented, and also true, we will probably all spend the summer back home with our families anyways, but it is an unavoidable fact that our concept of home, one of the most essential, unchanging things of the past 18 years, is beginning to change.
So that's a thing now.
Goodnight, bloglings
So here I am, on a it's-not-even-technically-Monday-anymore night, blogging my little heart out.
If you know me at all, which I'm assuming you do, you know that I'm in first year university right now. And as the thrill of completing my very first semester subsides, new stresses settle in, cozying up in my mind against the chilly January winds like little rodents nesting in walls.
First and foremost is finding a place to live. Most students, at least around here, leave residence after first year and stretch their wings, ganging up and going in together on 4 or 5 or 6 bedroom rental houses near campus. This should be a fun, exciting and adventurous sort of time, right? Well, it would be, if it wasn't for the cut-throat, fast-moving, need-to-sign-on-the-spot way the housing market moves here. Good houses are claimed within days of being advertised, and trying to juggle looking at ads, viewing houses, and regular schoolwork is proving to be immensely stressful. The older students caution us that all the good houses will be gone by the end of January, and it all feels like way too much.
I know this sort of thing is to be expected. Venturing out into the adult world is not something anyone has ever called easy. And I know this is only a small step on the path to living in the Actual Real World. But making these kind of decisions, managing money, signing leases - still super scary!
These feelings are not helped by the decision my parents made to spend the rest of the winter in a locale far more tropical than Ontario. Sure, I'm at school anyways, so it shouldn't matter if they're out of the country, but it turns out it's a whole lot easier to miss home when home is, well, home.
Not being able to text or call them whenever I need to has really made me realize how much I rely on them. Not to take a detour into Sappyville or anything.
It makes for a funny mix: excitement and apprehension about living "on my own", finally leaving home, intertwined with the feeling that home isn't always going to be home. That the life, the place the people you leave behind do not sit there while you are gone, frozen like kids playing freeze-tag, ready to immediately start running again when that magic person returns, skidding across the gym floor to free them.
In a few months, my friends and I will have a house. True, it will be rented, and also true, we will probably all spend the summer back home with our families anyways, but it is an unavoidable fact that our concept of home, one of the most essential, unchanging things of the past 18 years, is beginning to change.
So that's a thing now.
Goodnight, bloglings
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Week 1: This Thing Could Use a Name
Hello and welcome to another enthralling edition of "Maddie Actually Uses her Blog!".
But seriously, although I never set myself any rules, I am a tad disappointed by how little I've actually posted here since starting it. So I think some rules might be in order after all.
Last year, I undertook a 365 Project - to take one picture every single day of 2012. While definitely frustrating at times, I really enjoyed the structured nature of this project. I went from knowing how to work a digital camera, to being a passably-competent DSLR photographer in twelve months. And being forced to look for something beautiful, or thought-provoking, or just interesting to look at, each and every day, did wonders for my creativity.
Of course, I could've done it again this year, but it would not have been nearly as challenging or rewarding. Do people go back and climb Everest a second time? (I mean, I didn't end the year with severe frostbite or an amputated limb, but still.)
So, in lieu of a photo project, I have decided to focus my year-long commitment energy on writing. Somewhere in the post-Christmas dinner haze, I toyed with the idea of blogging every single day in 2013. That idea was quickly forgotten after I spent the next several days doing literally nothing other than sleeping, eating and watching the BBC show Merlin - and realized that life can, in fact, be relaxing.
So I've settled on a blog post a week, for every week in 2013. As you can see by tonight's stunning display of procrastination (I'm typing this with one eye on the clock in the corner of my screen, counting the minutes I have until midnight, and the official "second week" of 2012), the posts will most likely be posted towards the latter-ish part of each week.
So I think that about covers it. Now I need to attempt to regain some semblance of a normal sleep schedule - I start my second semester of university tomorrow.
Goodnight, bloglings
But seriously, although I never set myself any rules, I am a tad disappointed by how little I've actually posted here since starting it. So I think some rules might be in order after all.
Last year, I undertook a 365 Project - to take one picture every single day of 2012. While definitely frustrating at times, I really enjoyed the structured nature of this project. I went from knowing how to work a digital camera, to being a passably-competent DSLR photographer in twelve months. And being forced to look for something beautiful, or thought-provoking, or just interesting to look at, each and every day, did wonders for my creativity.
Of course, I could've done it again this year, but it would not have been nearly as challenging or rewarding. Do people go back and climb Everest a second time? (I mean, I didn't end the year with severe frostbite or an amputated limb, but still.)
So, in lieu of a photo project, I have decided to focus my year-long commitment energy on writing. Somewhere in the post-Christmas dinner haze, I toyed with the idea of blogging every single day in 2013. That idea was quickly forgotten after I spent the next several days doing literally nothing other than sleeping, eating and watching the BBC show Merlin - and realized that life can, in fact, be relaxing.
So I've settled on a blog post a week, for every week in 2013. As you can see by tonight's stunning display of procrastination (I'm typing this with one eye on the clock in the corner of my screen, counting the minutes I have until midnight, and the official "second week" of 2012), the posts will most likely be posted towards the latter-ish part of each week.
So I think that about covers it. Now I need to attempt to regain some semblance of a normal sleep schedule - I start my second semester of university tomorrow.
Goodnight, bloglings
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